


Stinge Lumina

by thisisthefamilybusiness



Category: Charlie Countryman (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Attempted Murder, Character Study, Domestic Violence, Drug Use, F/M, Gabi basically thinks about murder a lot, Mental Health Issues, Nigel does not necessarily discourage this, Relationship Problems, Suicidal Thoughts, Violent Thoughts, attempted suicide, i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-04-26
Packaged: 2018-01-20 21:13:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1525976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisthefamilybusiness/pseuds/thisisthefamilybusiness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can and will, can't and won't. English. What a strange language. <br/>She can. <br/>But she won't. <br/>All based on ability versus choice.<br/>She’s not sure she has a choice, though. That it's still a "can but won't," and not simply a "can't."<br/>It's a check-up on what she can and can’t do, in a way, a threat, more than her fingertips dialling the police's anonymous crime tip line ever was: that had too quickly turned from won't (pressing End Call before she even heard a dial tone) to can't (staring vacantly at her phone screen, unable to type the numbers).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stinge Lumina

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WomanKings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WomanKings/gifts).



Can and will, can't and won't. _English_. What a strange language.

She _can_.

But she _won't_.

All based on ability versus choice.

She’s not sure she has a choice, though. That it's still a " _can but won't_ ," and not simply a " _can't."_

It's a check-up on what she can and can’t do, in a way, a threat, more than her fingertips dialling the police's anonymous crime tip line ever was: that had too quickly turned from _won't_ (pressing End Call before she even heard a dial tone) to _can't_ (staring vacantly at her phone screen, unable to type the numbers).

No, the knife is real, unlike the abstraction of laws and police and crime hotlines, the arbitrary nature of justice.

The knife would mean blood and death and mess.

If she really could―if she really wanted to, if she really _would_ ―she supposes that poison would be the better choice, the more logical choice of weapon.

Maybe an overdose, or something extra in his drink that night. No one would know. Nigel has plenty of enemies who want him gone, after all, if anyone even realised it wasn't an accident.

But the knife is tangible, unlike the police or the poison, and it would have a tangible effect, a visceral effect: _visceral_ , like _viscera_ , guts and gore.

Gabi had never liked English class. Too strange of a language.

* * *

(She isn't sorry, though.  _Sorry_ is a word for people who  _can_ but  _don't_ , or who  _can_ but  _won't_ .

She’s beginning to realise that neither of those apply to her.)

* * *

The knife is also a test: how does he respond? How will he respond?

How does he react to a pretty woman waking him up with a cold blade against his throat?

It’s also a test for her, too, about tangibility. Problem with poison is that you have to be convinced, because there is no going back, no reaction from the victim unless you reveal it to them, and by then it's too late.

You can't take it back.

( _He’s tried too_. Maybe pills, a blade, a razor, cheap cough syrup and back alley Valium thudding in his skull, a dingy motel bathtub with mildewed tiles and peeling yellow wallpaper.

Probably a blade, Gabi decides, maybe a knife, though she supposes the razor is more common. Something that gives you that moment to decide, just like her and the knife on Nigel's throat: a _tangible_ moment, a _visceral_ moment. A moment when you know the difference between _can_ and _will_ and _can't_ and _won't_.)

(A chance to take it back.)

* * *

He takes the knife away from her and he kisses her but she isn't sure he means it.

He doesn't fight her, really.

If she was serious―though, Gabi knows, if she were serious, a knife and their bed at two AM is not the way to do it―he might fight her. But he knows she _can't_ , _won't_ , _couldn't_ , _wouldn't_ ever really do it, ever go beyond putting the blade to his neck.

Or maybe he just hopes she _can't_ or _won't_ , that she _couldn't_ and _wouldn't_. Maybe if he knew she meant it, that she _can_ and _will_ , he would only lay back on his pillow and let it happen, guide her hands again and lift his neck.

it's not a bad way to go, considering he's a bad man who has done some very bad things to and for people who would like to do very bad things to him: things worse than a knife in his bed in a tiny apartment in Bucharest at two AM and a girl who can't stop crying and isn't sure of the difference between words now.

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, this was the fault of womankings, and was originally written over Skype for her. 
> 
> ''Stinge Lumina" translates to "turn off the light(s)" in Romanian, and also is the title of a catchy-but-totally-unrelated dance song by Ruby.


End file.
